Twins Are A "Blessing".  But I feel Like I've Missed Out.

    I'm going to be completely real with you here. I've always wanted more kids after Lexi, but what I imagined and what actually happened were completely different. (Is it ever really though?)

  It's easy with your first child to get excited and encourage the milestones, everything is new and exciting and time goes by so fast. Thinking back to how time flew with Lexi, I knew with my next and final child that I would want to slow down. I imagined things so different. With Lexi I struggled to breast feed, my body just won't produce no matter what I tried, I felt like I had failed. I knew that I would try again with another baby and I would be able to do better.


     I imagined that because I was "experienced" I wouldn't be as anxious and I would be able to enjoy more of the small moments that pass all too quickly. I imagined more snuggles and less rushing, soaking in every little smile and movement. I imagined really taking time to remember the feel and the smell of holding that tiny precious baby in your arms overwhelmed with love.

Twins changed that.

    When you have two babies you run in survival mode, barely functioning, over emotional, sleep deprived and trying to not loose yourself in the in stereo double screaming filling the room. For the first year I felt like I was drowning, loosing myself, giving my everything to just make it to the next day. I Love my girls more than I can ever explain, and I'm so grateful for them, but it hurts my heart that I never got those slowed down moments with them. Everything was DIVIDED, my time, my energy, my attention and love.

And it was exhausting. It IS exhausting.

    I barely remember the first year of the girls life and it crushes me. (The photos I have are priceless because without them everything's a blur) are I'm so thankful we are past the sleepless nights and that they are playing and thriving. But I can't help but feel sad when I think back and realize that I missed out on really soaking in those last "baby" moments that I'm ever going to have. (believe me I'm done having kids) I wish I had the time that I had with Lexi, with Aimee and Rylie.

 
 I know there was many smiles and good moments in their first year, but the majority of things I remember is tears, frustration, and struggling to feel like I can function again.  I've learnt so much and grown so much because I am a twin parent, but this for me was the biggest downfall for me to accept. I think its something I'll forever have mom guilt about. Wishing I could give each of them ALL of me instead of just 1/3.

    I've had so many people say to me "I always wanted twins" or "I hope I have twins".
Now don't get me wrong, Twins are so much fun and I couldn't picture my life any other way, but I don't think it's ever something I imagined or would have wished for. Everything that happens happens for a reason, if your destined to have singletons, soak it in! Enjoy being able to give undivided love and attention.

   There's struggles in every aspect of being a parent with any child, but this is probably MY biggest mental hurdle to overcome since having the girls. I'm sure things will be a roller-coaster with these three my whole life, but now that I get a decent nights sleep, I try to slow down and enjoy all the wonderful moments more. Paying attention to being more mindful and present with them and that's all I can do.

Thanks so much for reading.
Much love, Teesha.